Not "average" - spectacular

Reality television never attracted me much. When friends were all about "The Bachelor," I kept asking, "Doesn't that seem unnatural to you?" Of course it's unnatural! Stop the fucking philosophizing and get hooked! Some shows I've seen from time to time make me cry, like "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" where audience members are manipulated horribly into crying - sobbing sometimes - during the last five minutes with the music and the family's situation and the new theme-based rooms. Because my mother works in public housing I know that the gritty truth of poverty in this country is best not left to Sunday night programming, but still, even if I only catch the last 20 seconds, the tears flow. I'm not going to be able to watch the new season of "The Biggest Loser," because just the commercials get me emotional. Reality programming is something I hear about rather than watch regularly so far. It just seems such a huge investment. So when J and I settled down to watch some non-cable programming the other night and caught, by chance, "Average Joe, The Joes Strike Back," I just expected some one-night-only entertainment.

Then this one guy said that despite his tough appearance he had a cat named Rachel and I felt real love surge through my body. I hope that no Joe's heart is too badly wounded over the course of this saga because I do not think I'll be able to take it.

I declare war

Listen up Matt B. - if you think by starting a blog you've come anywhere close to approaching the level of my supreme awesomeness, well, you might just have another think coming. 1)I have a dedicated audience of, oh, say...nine or so daily readers who will kick your ass with their devotion and comment-leaving capabilities. (SECRET NOTE TO NINE OR SO DAILY READERS: LEAVE COMMENTS THAT DISPLAY YOUR WIT AS WELL AS YOUR LOYALTY TO ME! FORCE MY DAILY PONDERINGS UPON FRIENDS AND STRANGERS! I'VE GOT TO WIN, HERE!)

2)If you didn't want the world to know about that time you draped a blanket around your shoulders and sang "Today" by Jefferson Airplane, practically with tears in your eyes, when we were all drunk after a formal dance in high school, well Matt, maybe you shouldn't have started a blog and invoked my competitive nature.

3)I could write an elegy to Max Bobbitt that would kick your elegy's ass.

4)My friend Tom said that this is the "Best blog ever." You know what that means, huh? Yours? Not the best blog ever.

5)I've become friends with a bunch of your college friends. I think they like me (more than you).

6)Ohio vs. North Carolina? Close call. But NC wins it by a nose solely based on the sunny day to cloudy day ratio in both locales. Southern pride, baby. Y'all hear?

7)Even though I love you and you have always been one of my best friends, I've got no problems making fun of you on the internet.