How and why I lie to my father

The other day I was chatting with my dad on my cell phone when I went though an area notorious for fuzzy reception and the call was dropped. When I got him back on the line I said something like, "I don't know what just happened there. My phone died for a while," instead of saying "Hey dad I'm driving and going through some rural parts so don't be surprised if the line goes dead again." The reason I didn't say the latter is because one time a few years ago my father dragged me to the Radio Shack to get me one of those hands-free headsets you can use to talk on the cell while driving, and what followed, every time we talked, was this conversation:me: Hi dad! him: Hi honey. You in the car? me: Nope. him: Are you in the car? me: Ok. I am. him: Using your headset? me: Yup! him: No you're not. me: I AM! him: Are you? me: Ok. I'm not.

I'm not even going to go into my reasons for thinking those hands-free headsets aren't really that much safer than talking on the cell phone using your goddamn hands in the interest of the length of this post, but the point is when I talk to my father on the cellular, I like for him to think I'm not driving or think that if I am I'm using the headset, which I assure you, I'm not. You'd think I'd use it. After all, I am in the car constantly and love to talk on the phone, but there are so many wires and it still scares me when I see people using those things and, for a second, think they're nuts and having a little conversation with themselves before I see the equipment and realizing they're actually talking to another person.

I'm not going to try and defend my actions because talking on the phone in the car? How am I going to sit here and say that's a really good idea? However, I would like to talk about the hypocrisy of my father's constant nagging regarding my in-car practices because 1) Have you seen him drive? and 2) This morning I called my dad from the car using my cell phone without the headset to get some information I needed. He was in his car, too, on the way into the city. I asked my question and he told me to hold on and then recited some specifics to me from an email he had stored in his Blackberry. Then he said, "You should get a Blackberry." And I didn't say anything like "WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD - DID YOU JUST CHECK YOUR EMAIL WHILE DRIVING???" because I trust his judgment, but if you live up in the D.C. area maybe it would be a good idea to just watch out on your ride home tonight.

Scary movies? They go well with a hell of a lot of talking and maybe some nice warm milk

Last night J and I cuddled up to watch "Red Dragon," which is the prequel to "Silence of the Lambs," but is actually pretty much the same movie as "Silence of the Lambs," and I eased into my favorite scary movie pastime, which just so happens to be talking throughout the film, especially making funny but not that funny comments because, you see, this helps me to feel less scared. One time my brother looked on in awe as I chattered away nonstop through the first fifteen minutes or so of "The Exorcist." He, unlike J it turns out, found it funny. He found it amusing, I think, that I displayed my weakness and fear so easily in the form of incessant yammering and even encouraged the habit through repeatedly exposing me to images of horror in even not-very-good movies. "The Exorcist," now, that's a work of art despite the fact that the possessed victim projective vomits and stabs herself with a cross while muttering really dirty things, and you, the audience, is sitting there hoping to God that your mother isn't anywhere near the television because that would be kind of an awkward moment, even if you're all grown up. Kind of like the time two friends and I sat in the living room at my parents' house with this woman my mom went to college with and watched in horror as comedian Margaret Cho made crude jokes about "fisting" on the Comedy Channel.

As for movies that aren't even good, but also are scary, the one that comes to mind most readily is "Event Horizon." Vinnie told me, because I hadn't heard of it, that it was a good picture about outer space or something and I LOVE outer space so I tuned in enthusiastically and then, what do you know, all of a sudden we've got actor Sam Neill with charred skin uttering horrifying phrases in Latin. In Latin. Also, did I mention its the worst movie ever? If you are going to be forced to deal with the charred skin and a dead language and references to the devil than at least the story should be interesting or moving, or in some rare cases romantic.

As for "Red Dragon" I was talking up a storm the minute the rating (R) flashed on the screen with mention of "grisly images." J had to stop the DVD about four times during the first three minutes ("Oh my God!" "Hannibal Lecter!" "I like Anthony Hopkins in the movie "'The Edge.'" "What's that she's eating?" "Where does this story take place?" "Let's get a blanket.") before I finally submitted and said, "Ok, I'll shut up." Luckily, that's about the time Edward Norton showed up and since I'm movie-star-in-love with him (which is allowable) I calmed down considerably.