I take the kind that tastes like coffee, with a little milk

Holy shit, I hate a cup of flavored coffee. Let me be clear. I don't mean a nice hazelnut latte, which I consider a very infrequent treat. What I mean is something like the blueberry flavored coffee that's often featured at this local bagel shop we go to. Or the pumpkin coffee that's all the rage at Dunkin' Donuts right now. I remember all too well during my teenage years when my father - always up for an ill-advised experiment - would sometimes "try a little something" with his coffee brewing in the morning. He'd bring my mother a cup, she'd take a sip, slowly put her mug down and say, "Fred, what did you do to this? Did you put something in here?"

And he'd proudly announce that, yeah, "I put a little cinnamon in. Thought that would make it sexier!"

I believe he finally learned his lesson, and I take after my mother. Leave those beans alone.

To all the charities giving charities a bad name

Listen up. When you call me, and you ask me to donate to something that sounds very innocuous and noble, like the such and such Cancer Society, I am immediately on your side. But then, like three minutes later, you explain to me that my money - which I've pledged to you because you caught me in a sentimental moment, and I am a fortunate person and feel that I should help out because I am able - will go to help "all those women with cancer." And I'm all, "Huh, that sounds kind of vague and like, maybe, the money's not gonna really help with anything, what is the name of your organization again?" But by then it's too late because I've already pledged the money, for which you will send me a pledge envelope. And then I won't send it back because after the fact I've decided that there are probably better and more trustworthy organizations to give to besides this one that is going to help "all those women with cancer." So you call me 500 times because I haven't sent my pledge back and then I just do it because the whole thing has turned into such a pain in the ass. Yeah, you guys. I don't like the assault on my emotions. Stop it.