Monday mornings sometimes make me want to kick and shout, things a civilized person ought not to do. Coming off a fun and busy weekend is particularly tough and so this Monday morning I allowed myself a somewhat long hot shower after sleeping in until eight. But then there was still the closet. First, it was cluttered. I had been dumping my worn clothes on the floor, overtop my shoes, all weekend because my parents had been in town and I wanted to keep the bedroom looking neat. The pile in the closet would be quickly remedied I thought, while we could keep up the appearance of neat and tidy girlfriend and boyfriend all weekend. But this morning the pile was there. "Remember me?" it said.
J and I were standing in the closet. The difference between us, besides all the obvious ones, was that he seemed in a good mood while I wanted to throw hard things at the wall for tension release. Nothing was specifically wrong, mind you. Monday mornings depress me for a variety of reasons.
And then, of course, the ultimate annoyance. I felt like a whale. Can you gain 67 pounds in one night? No, you cannot I reasoned. Still, I asked J, "Would it be alright for me to go to work in my underwear?" My underwear, I reasoned, was the only thing I could possibly feel comfortable in as even my jeans that always fit seemed a little tight.
"Yes," J said. "You can." But then made another suggestion.
He said: "Why don't you buy bigger pants?"
What? No. That didn't even make sense, I explained to him. Didn't make sense! Although I had carefully detailed how and why I thought I was gaining weight, the appropriate response is never to suggest someone might go out and "buy bigger pants."
Because if I buy bigger pants, see, then I'm allowing myself to remain in the slightly chubbier state. Absolutely not. Instead what I did find something not so form-fitting to wear, and reminded myself that if I ever wanted to fit into my other more fashionable clothes, I was just going to have to shape up.
And with that, exited the closet and trudged through another Monday and reasoned happily that by Tuesday, I'd be back to my old self.