I sat in the little chair at the family practice center this morning, with the windows overlooking the trees, creating the feeling we were surrounded by woods on all sides. It was raining. It rained all day. Sometimes in intense sheets, sometimes barely enough to warrant windshield wiper use. There were bags to pack and dishes to wash and put away but I told myself - vacation mode. Perhaps that is why I've been so calm this week, as I explained to the doctor, a young resident who made me wish I had the desire to be a doctor, too. He was such a good listener. I'd returned to the doctor after having several more "panic attacks" or whatever they are in which my heart beats rapidly in the middle of the night. I cure it with ice on my head while lying on the bathroom floor. The bathroom floor is dirty, normally, but this week I've cleaned it with a Grab It cloth. Too bad this week I didn't need it - the floor.
Anyway, elation! when the doc told me I'd pretty much self-diagnosed the problem and if I felt ok dealing with it as I had been, that was fine, or I could be prescribed something. Later, Slavomir listened in disbelief on the phone as I explained to him that I'd talked my way out of getting meds in favor of dealing with the problem myself. Am I really so mature? Perhaps I'm just proud. Whatever it is, I'm no longer worried. As I told Slav, and the doctor, it's not that I'm anxious, generally, I'm just anxious about being anxious, the beginning of said anxiousness occuring after my father was in the hospital early this year, and then again with the onset of cohabitation and all my finely honed habits being put through the wringer. Now I don't worry about much, except worrying. And hell, if I can't get over that problem myself, what can I get over?
And so I forge onward! I've been listening to Dave Brubeck, almost constantly, in my car, and turning the heat up, up higher than maybe I should be this early in the winter season. Yes, the car is still messy, with paper coffee cups and whatnot, but it's cozy. It needs some Febreeze, maybe. But I like it in there. I even like it in the doctor's office. It's vacation mode, truly.
The break will hopefully yield a period of productivity upon returning. That or I'll want to stay in Italy. Whatever the case, this was a good week. A good week to spring off of into whatever comes next.