1. Forget to get the mail every single day even though that is one of my like, three, duties. 2. Sign off phone calls with technology execs by saying, casually "Great, talk to you later," even though I will, literally, never talk to them again.

3. Turn on the space heater under my desk, which causes the computer to short out, over and over again, even though last time I turned it on, guess what? It did the exact same thing.

4. Think about all the other things I could be doing that don't involve sitting in a desk staring at a huge, flat-screen computer monitor, pretending to be doing things.

5. Spend no time learning anything about the company. Spend significantly more time trying to sneakily read up on celebrity gossip.